a greatful part of my missing life...
there's a saltwater film on the jar of your ashes
i threw them to sea but a gust blew them backwards
and the sting in my eyes that you then inflicted
was par for the course just as when you were living
it's no stretch to say you were not quite a father
but a donor of seeds to a poor single mother
that would raise 'me' alone, we never saw the money
that went down your throat through a hole in your belly
thirteen years old in the suburbs of denver
standing in line for Thanksgiving dinner
at a catholic church the servers wore crosses
to shield from the sufferance plaguing the others
styrofoam plates, cafeteria tables
charity reeks of cheap wine and pity
and i'm thinking of you i do every year
when we count all our blessing and wonder what we're doing here
you're a disgrace to the concept of family
the priest won't divulge that fact in him homily
and i'll stand up and scream if the mourning remain quiet
you can deck out a lie in a suit but i wont buy it
i won't join in the procession that's speaking their peace
using five dollar words while praising his integrity
and just cause he's gone it doesn't change the fact
he was a ba in life thus a ba in death
by: death cab for cutie
styrofoam plates
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
go away winter
and leave me alone..
i’m tired of being
chilled to the bone.
i want to go swimming
“winters no fun!”
i want to open
the windows and doors
i want to go barefoot
and do summer chores
i want to mow grass
and sit in the sun
i want of plant gradens
and have summer fun.
so go away winter
and leave me alone..
i’m tired of being
chilled to the bone.
i want to plant flowers
and sit in the suni want to go swimming
“winters no fun!”
i want to open
the windows and doors
i want to go barefoot
and do summer chores
i want to mow grass
and sit in the sun
i want of plant gradens
and have summer fun.
so go away winter
and just leave me be
summer is where
i want now to be…
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A bunch of random thoughts...
#1. I suck at keeping up with a blog... I need to get better.
#2. I need to figure out how to do cool things to my blog, so it will actually be interesting...
#3. Since I was last on, I became engaged to the most wonderful guy I've ever met!!!
#4. Getting proposed to on April Fools day was actually awesome, it makes for a good story
#5. When you go tanning... you need to make sure you put tanning lotion EVERYWHERE.... otherwise you might end up with a burnt hiney. ouch
#6. April 24, 2010 couldn't get here fast enough... but I know it'll come and go before I know it :(
#7. cell phone...$200
unlimited texting...$25
texting back and forth about butt cracks and cheeks with your fiance... priceless
#8. The best part of being engaged to such an amazing person is, the night he proposes I got to make canal street to anal street to celebrate with him and our closest friends!
#9. I get my ring back Saturday and I cannot wait!
#10. I have people bumbs.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
the love of my life
In early October I had just gotten out of a 2 1/2 year relationship that was, absolutely terrible. I was depressed and felt terrible about myself constantly, and it just kept getting worse everyday. Despite having such a horrible relationship with this person, when we broke up I was devastated. I was very depressed, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, all I wanted to do was sleep. A lot of this depression came from what I found out after it was all said and done.
Shortly after, I did have opportunities to go out on dates with other guys, but I just had no desire to do so. Even if I talked to another guy I would, normally right away, find many qualities I didn't like about them. I guess to say the least nothing about them really sparked my interest. Everyone kept telling me I needed to move on and find someone else, but I didn't find anyone I wanted to move-on to. Finally in late November I sat down with my mom and told her I was NOT going to date anyone for a long while. That was, unless they had such and such qualities, that I named in detail to her. I think my heart didn't want me to get hurt anymore, so I set all my standard for the kind of guy I wanted. Maybe somewhere in my mind I did this because I didn't think it would happen, that I would actually find a guy with every single quality I wanted. I guess you could say I did this, unintentionally, to guard my heart.
When I am in a relationship I give all I can to making that person happy, and do all I can to make the relationship work. I just feel that if you care about the other person that's how it should be, so that's how I've been toward both of my, long term', past boyfriends. I also knew I deserved to be treated the same way, and for that guy to put the same effort into the relationship I did. Mostly, if I were to get involved in another relationship, I wanted to be loved as much as I loved them. So, I told my mom the only way I would date another guy anytime soon, is if they had the capability to be the kind of guy who I could marry someday. I said, He had to be a christian, funny, sweet, a gentleman, someone who would care about me, intelligent, someone who wanted to spend their time with me, who I could have fun with, who would make me laugh, who would make me feel special, a musician (weird enough), and someone who would understand me enough that I could be myself, and there were many more. I think I wanted to make it as hard as possible to find someone else. Honestly, I didn't think anyone could have all the qualities I was stating to her, but I had no idea what God had in store for me.
It was exactly a day after telling my mom this, that an amazing guy walked into my life. It almost felt like destiny that I met him. I hadn't seen some of my friends for awhile, so I decided one day to finally get together with them. Sure enough, there he was, right there in front of me, Alex Mellinger, the guy I had no idea then, was exactly the guy I described to my mom the night before. It almost seemed like I was telling her about him, before I even knew he existed. My first thought of him was that he was cute, sweet, hilarious, and I good friends. These were the characteristics that actually got me to start talking to him to get to know him. That's how I learned there was much more to this amazing guy.
I started crushing on him after the first night for sure, but I still tried to hold onto my heart, and tried to prevent any 'feelings' from developing. That night he asked if I would take him home, and my heart started pounding, secretly I was hoping he would ask. When we got there, we just sat in his driveway for almost 2 hours, just talking. My heart was melting with his every word, but I was still fighting so hard to keep it from doing just that. He actually, even tried to kiss me, but even as much as I wanted to, I didn't. The whole drive back home all I thought about was him, and all I could do was smile. I didn't sleep at all that night, because I just kept thinking about this extraordinary guy. The next day was the same I couldn't get him out of my mind, and all I kept thinking is that I had to see him again! The desire I had to try to keep my ex in my life somehow, purely out the desire to feel secure with someone familiar, was almost instantly replaced with an new exciting desire to see Alex again. I had to find an excuse to see him, so I trying to think of anything that would make that possible. Luckily our mutual friend Aaron, called me to see if I wanted to hang out with them both! :) I think my heart skipped a few beats, and I felt like a five year old that was getting the best gift ever.
Alex and I had been talking via text and facebook, but that night I was so anxious I thought my heart would explode. It was that night that I knew this guy was for me. My depression over my previous, failed relationship, and the urge I had for him to still be a part of my life, quickly, in one night turned into excitement and anticipation to see what my, now impossible to suppress, feelings for Alex would turn into. Everyday we would find some reason to hang out, and every night I went home with even more feelings for him. It was crazy how fast I was, and still am, falling for him, but it helped ease my worries to find out I wasn't the only one feeling this way.
I finally found the 'perfect' guy for me, he has every characteristic and personality trait I want in a guy, plus many, many, many more! Its great!!! It wasn't even a week before I started falling 'in love' with him, and almost immediately I felt like he is 'the one'.
We're alike in so many ways its amazing, I completely understand who he is, and the best part of all he understands who I am, and I can 100% be who I am around him with no reservation at all. We do kinda argue, because we are so much alike but I its alright. Its only helping us grow as individually as well as in our relationship, and I only feel stronger in both ways, once we work it all out. In a relationship you're never going to agree on everything and your going to have hurt feelings because you are still learning about each other and what sort of things cause hurt feelings and what kind of things cause enjoyment. When you put two people that are very soft hearted, passionate, strong minded people like we are, well that's how we learn about each other. Hopefully with time it will subside, but it doesn't mean we aren't right for each other. I actually think it means quite the opposite, that we are indeed right for each other.
My parents, and a lot of older people than myself, have told me that a lot of times, when people meet 'the one' that just know. I kind of took it with a grain of salt and didn't really believe it. If it is true though, I defiantly have to say that I think Alex Mellinger is my, 'the one'. He is truly an amazing one of a kind person, and I don't think anyone could ever be more right for me than him. Being with him just makes sense, like he is the answer to the part of my life I felt was missing. He's the light to my darkness, my shelter in the storm, the wheels to my car, the air to my lungs, the shiburbah to my cold day, now that I have him in my life, at risk of sounding cheesy, I feel complete. The only thing I can do is be the best girlfriend I can be to him, and just keep praying like crazy, and I know what is meant to be will be. I hope we're meant to be, but if not I'm just so lucky to have him in my life right now.
Shortly after, I did have opportunities to go out on dates with other guys, but I just had no desire to do so. Even if I talked to another guy I would, normally right away, find many qualities I didn't like about them. I guess to say the least nothing about them really sparked my interest. Everyone kept telling me I needed to move on and find someone else, but I didn't find anyone I wanted to move-on to. Finally in late November I sat down with my mom and told her I was NOT going to date anyone for a long while. That was, unless they had such and such qualities, that I named in detail to her. I think my heart didn't want me to get hurt anymore, so I set all my standard for the kind of guy I wanted. Maybe somewhere in my mind I did this because I didn't think it would happen, that I would actually find a guy with every single quality I wanted. I guess you could say I did this, unintentionally, to guard my heart.
When I am in a relationship I give all I can to making that person happy, and do all I can to make the relationship work. I just feel that if you care about the other person that's how it should be, so that's how I've been toward both of my, long term', past boyfriends. I also knew I deserved to be treated the same way, and for that guy to put the same effort into the relationship I did. Mostly, if I were to get involved in another relationship, I wanted to be loved as much as I loved them. So, I told my mom the only way I would date another guy anytime soon, is if they had the capability to be the kind of guy who I could marry someday. I said, He had to be a christian, funny, sweet, a gentleman, someone who would care about me, intelligent, someone who wanted to spend their time with me, who I could have fun with, who would make me laugh, who would make me feel special, a musician (weird enough), and someone who would understand me enough that I could be myself, and there were many more. I think I wanted to make it as hard as possible to find someone else. Honestly, I didn't think anyone could have all the qualities I was stating to her, but I had no idea what God had in store for me.
It was exactly a day after telling my mom this, that an amazing guy walked into my life. It almost felt like destiny that I met him. I hadn't seen some of my friends for awhile, so I decided one day to finally get together with them. Sure enough, there he was, right there in front of me, Alex Mellinger, the guy I had no idea then, was exactly the guy I described to my mom the night before. It almost seemed like I was telling her about him, before I even knew he existed. My first thought of him was that he was cute, sweet, hilarious, and I good friends. These were the characteristics that actually got me to start talking to him to get to know him. That's how I learned there was much more to this amazing guy.
I started crushing on him after the first night for sure, but I still tried to hold onto my heart, and tried to prevent any 'feelings' from developing. That night he asked if I would take him home, and my heart started pounding, secretly I was hoping he would ask. When we got there, we just sat in his driveway for almost 2 hours, just talking. My heart was melting with his every word, but I was still fighting so hard to keep it from doing just that. He actually, even tried to kiss me, but even as much as I wanted to, I didn't. The whole drive back home all I thought about was him, and all I could do was smile. I didn't sleep at all that night, because I just kept thinking about this extraordinary guy. The next day was the same I couldn't get him out of my mind, and all I kept thinking is that I had to see him again! The desire I had to try to keep my ex in my life somehow, purely out the desire to feel secure with someone familiar, was almost instantly replaced with an new exciting desire to see Alex again. I had to find an excuse to see him, so I trying to think of anything that would make that possible. Luckily our mutual friend Aaron, called me to see if I wanted to hang out with them both! :) I think my heart skipped a few beats, and I felt like a five year old that was getting the best gift ever.
Alex and I had been talking via text and facebook, but that night I was so anxious I thought my heart would explode. It was that night that I knew this guy was for me. My depression over my previous, failed relationship, and the urge I had for him to still be a part of my life, quickly, in one night turned into excitement and anticipation to see what my, now impossible to suppress, feelings for Alex would turn into. Everyday we would find some reason to hang out, and every night I went home with even more feelings for him. It was crazy how fast I was, and still am, falling for him, but it helped ease my worries to find out I wasn't the only one feeling this way.
I finally found the 'perfect' guy for me, he has every characteristic and personality trait I want in a guy, plus many, many, many more! Its great!!! It wasn't even a week before I started falling 'in love' with him, and almost immediately I felt like he is 'the one'.
We're alike in so many ways its amazing, I completely understand who he is, and the best part of all he understands who I am, and I can 100% be who I am around him with no reservation at all. We do kinda argue, because we are so much alike but I its alright. Its only helping us grow as individually as well as in our relationship, and I only feel stronger in both ways, once we work it all out. In a relationship you're never going to agree on everything and your going to have hurt feelings because you are still learning about each other and what sort of things cause hurt feelings and what kind of things cause enjoyment. When you put two people that are very soft hearted, passionate, strong minded people like we are, well that's how we learn about each other. Hopefully with time it will subside, but it doesn't mean we aren't right for each other. I actually think it means quite the opposite, that we are indeed right for each other.
My parents, and a lot of older people than myself, have told me that a lot of times, when people meet 'the one' that just know. I kind of took it with a grain of salt and didn't really believe it. If it is true though, I defiantly have to say that I think Alex Mellinger is my, 'the one'. He is truly an amazing one of a kind person, and I don't think anyone could ever be more right for me than him. Being with him just makes sense, like he is the answer to the part of my life I felt was missing. He's the light to my darkness, my shelter in the storm, the wheels to my car, the air to my lungs, the shiburbah to my cold day, now that I have him in my life, at risk of sounding cheesy, I feel complete. The only thing I can do is be the best girlfriend I can be to him, and just keep praying like crazy, and I know what is meant to be will be. I hope we're meant to be, but if not I'm just so lucky to have him in my life right now.
Monday, January 19, 2009
A Little About Me (Probably More Than You Ever Wanted To Know)
♥So there is this guy, right... He's pretty amazing, Mr. right you may even say... as soon as I started talking to him... I knew he was what I was missing in my life ♥. ♥
I am a ♥christian♥, and I have a desire to serve the Lord, but I often fail, no matter how hard I try. I know all I can do is try, and not beat myself up over doing wrong, I'm only human, but I'm trying. I want to learn my own way, not just take everything others have told me I'm supposed to believe. I need to find out for myself, even though sometimes its frustrating. ♥I love Jesus and Jesus loves me♥ :)
I have the best ♥family♥ in the world, no matter what issues we might have at the time, we always have each other and that's enough
♥ my parents are wonderful♥ When I was younger, I a lot of times failed to realize this, but the more I see in this world the more I realize how truly blessed I am!
God has blessed me with the best ♥friends♥ in the world... ♥Alex ♥Kara, ♥Courtney, ♥Leesa, ♥Lindsay, ♥Lauren and ♥Aaron.
The ♥worst feeling in the world♥, to me, is letting people down! I absolutely hate it! So I constantly worry that I am (working on this though).
I'm kinda a weirdo, but I'm totally fine with this. You just have to be yourself, and if people don't get you...well they are the ones missing out. What's the point of pretending to be anyone you're not?...
♥I'm am who I am, and loving it.♥
Believe it or not, ♥I actually despise chocolate♥. it tastes of bad in my mouth, can't help it.
♥I am allergic to peanuts and walnuts♥... went my whole life eating and loving them, and then just one day out of nowhere... bam my body decides to reject them... weird huh?
I'm ♥terrified of the dark and spiders.♥ I act like a little kid in situations where I have to face these fears lol
When I'm nervous,
♥my mouth tends to work faster than my brain♥,
so it all comes out as mush... normally I sound like a complete idiot when this happens.
My mind works differently than most people. The result of this is, that
♥I am probably one of the most random people you will ever meet♥
♥I have really bad road rage♥
My favorite color is ♥Pink♥
My ♥favorite season♥ is always the first of the one that's going on when you ask.
I'm kinda shy when you first meet me, but once you get to know me... I wont ♥shut up♥
I love ♥racing♥
I love ♥getting dirty♥ but I can't wait to be clean when its all said and done.
I love watching ♥movies♥... all kinds and I try to see as many as I can.
♥I tend to exaggerate things♥
there's a lot more to tell, but I think this is sufficient for now :)
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